But even though I know that some things need waiting for it doesn’t make life’s limbo periods any easier. I know that in the near future I’ll be looking back on this time with a degree of wistfulness. I’m 33 weeks (about 7½ months) pregnant and after this week I’m going to be reducing the number of meetings I arrange. I plan to spend more time pottering around and resting. I’m sure that the challenges of a newborn will soon cast this period in a rosy light but right now it’s somewhat frustrating to struggle with complex tasks like bending over and getting something out of the washing machine.
I fear I’m not one for whom a beatific glow comes naturally. Perhaps I should try knitting, would that give me that contented nesting mother look?
Still, the limbo is less about impending parenthood than it is about our financial future. The husband’s employer seems to be drip feeding details about his redundancy (although it seems they will be pretty good to him overall and he’ll be getting his paternity leave) and we’re waiting to hear about a number of jobs he’s been put forward for by various recruitment consultants. We’re also looking at a couple of business ventures but uncertainty over cash flow and when the husband will actually be leaving means these are also things we’re waiting to get started on.
I guess it comes down to me struggling to accept that there are factors that I cannot influence. In the past few years I’ve taken greater and greater charge over my own life from going freelance and becoming my own boss to deciding that company reps would never be anything but hurdles to negotiate - it struck me with sudden clarity that it would be absurd to not have my house because the person at the mortgage company handling our case said no. No disrespect to the individual but they were just playing with numbers on a computer, in the grand scheme of my life they were a transition character. I just had to establish why they were saying no and present a case that beat them.
Similarly, when I spoke to a rep from the cheapest car insurer when gathering quotes about a year ago and she said I was illegible because the car was an import, I thanked her and hung up. I then rang straight back and tried again with another rep. I correctly guessed that she suffered from either inexperience or the ability to think intelligently and how to work around the system.
But while there are always ways of doing things, at times that way involves waiting. Sitting and letting them unfold at their own pace. I ordered some bulbs for the garden a few months ago and they recently arrived as only now are they ready to be planted. I have conceded my will to the garden (even I refuse to fight with mother nature*) and happily move with the seasons but there’s a pattern to them. There is no rhyme or reason that is shared with the husband and I regarding the shadowy factors affecting our lives.
Of course, it’s up to us how we respond. As Eleanor Roosevelt wisely observed, ‘nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent’ and you are only as passive as you allow yourself to be. If we let things get us down in a significant way then that’d be a bit pathetic. It’d be conceding power to people who have no interest in us. None of it is personal and making it so would be simultaneously egotistical and weak spirited.
But it still rather sucks.
You can be as positive as you like but waiting is rather boring!
* Although I may attempt some encouragement towards bringing on labour by using the likes of clary sage oil in a few weeks time!